my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
