I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
