I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
