I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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