So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
