Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He passed out mid-signature
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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