I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
