Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
