Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
