I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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