Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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