Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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