Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
