I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
