Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
don't judge my taste in strippers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
