I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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