Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I deserve this hangover.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
