"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
