y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
