I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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