I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
