he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
