Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
