apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
