I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I had to cum in my sink.
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