i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
