Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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