JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize