ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
