he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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