we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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