How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
sex in a hospital.. check
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
