I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
