Moan for me like Helen Keller
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
