I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
