he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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