hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
