I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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