Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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