just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
