Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
