1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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