Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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