You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
