He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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