I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize