He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
