my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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