You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
