I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
