I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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