I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
