i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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