How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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