3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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