Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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