Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
